No matter what you think, your parenting is the cause of all your problems - it’s the sad truth.
There is nowhere to hide, and you can only run so far.
One day your pain - the pain of your self and feeling denial, is going to catch up with you.
Then it will be time to start taking yourself seriously.
You have to get to the point of wanting to know yourself.
Why you are as you are - the truth of yourself.
That is what your healing is all about.
There is nowhere to hide, and you can only run so far.
One day your pain - the pain of your self and feeling denial, is going to catch up with you.
Then it will be time to start taking yourself seriously.
You have to get to the point of wanting to know yourself.
Why you are as you are - the truth of yourself.
That is what your healing is all about.
Your soul-healing - ah, now the fun begins…
I'm throwing you in at the deep end. Ready? You’re evil. No matter what you think about yourself: probably that you’re a good person, at least a relatively good person; it doesn’t matter, because you’re still evil. Everyone is until they have completed their healing, and that’s either their soul-healing, which includes the Mother and Father and Their Divine Love; or just their Feeling-Healing, which can be done without directly including God. Your healing is about stopping you being evil - evil being defined as the denial of personality. Stopping you denying parts of yourself, of your personality, such as your feelings. And how you do that is by uncovering the truth of why you are evil - why you are living in self-denial of your feelings; and finding out the truth of how you were made to become evil. As your soul intrinsically can’t be anything other than love, then what was done to you during your early childhood to make you take on your evil ways. And why did you have to join everyone else and start using your mind for power and control. Why were you forced to deny your feelings and mostly your bad feelings. And how were you made to suppress them as you were growing up; and how have they have resulted in your Childhood Repression. Succinctly, your healing is the healing of your Childhood Repression and the correcting of all your personality’s attributes that have been warped, perverted, or denied their full expression. It’s the healing of your sinful, evil, rebellious mind and will state. It’s the giving up of your minds control over yourself and other people, nature and God; and the choosing to live true to your feelings. You have been conceived and born into a mind controlling state, and until you’ve healed yourself of it, all you think, do and believe; all you say and how you express yourself, is seeking power and control, and it’s all got to be healed. And to heal it will take a great effort. You are wrong, and to become right, is an immense undertaking and will take years to do. Your healing is not a matter of applying a few mind techniques to gain more mind over matter: it’s the systematic breaking down of your mind, giving over to and freeing up your feelings. It's the stopping of living life with and through your mind, and starting to live it from your heart with truth, all through your feelings. And I know many other spiritual systems and religions purport to help you achieve many of these same things, but as far as I’m concerned, they are only at best healing perhaps a few surface layers, and mostly are just helping you to use you mind through other ways to increase the control over yourself. The doing of your soul-healing through DLS will break you down, strip you bear. It will bring up all your repressed hatred, anger, rage, fear, anxiety, misery, guilt that’s contained within your soul, all having been felt but remained unexpressed through your early childhood. All of these bad feelings, and any others you have, are festering away inside you breaking out showing themselves in the disguise of disease, bad things happening to you, and pain. You have loads of pain locked away inside you and your mind is doing its damnedest not to allow you to feel it. All you do in your life is bad-feeling-avoidance, and this has got to stop. And to heal yourself, you’ll want all this repressed pain to surface, all so you can understand what it’s all about; where it’s coming from; why you have it; how it’s negatively affecting you. And as you understand and see the TRUTH of your suffering, then it will end – and ONLY then. The truth will set you free of your pain, but first you have to allow yourself to find and uncover the truth, all being done through the ongoing submission to your bad feelings. All so you can embrace, accept, acknowledge and speak about how bad you really do feel, because as you’ll find out, it’s only through complete self-acceptance of your feelings that you will heal yourself, this being a true act of self-love. So to stop being how you are, to change yourself around to being something you currently have no idea about – a whole new and different person, but one who loves themselves and does feel truly happy; feeling that happiness merrily bubbling away inside them as a part of the truth of themselves – takes some doing. It’s a personal commitment, and you can begin your healing now, ticking it along through your life slowly advancing and healing yourself, finishing it off when you get to spirit; or, you might want to totally commit yourself to it and heal it all whilst you’re still of flesh. As always, it’s what you want to do – what you FEEL you want to do; and what you will feel and choose to do will be right and the best for you. I am including in DLS as many of my healing experiences as I can. Hopefully enough at least to give you some sort of idea as to what you can expect. However, my healing is my healing, your healing will be however it is for you. So try not to expect it to happen as it has happened for me. Allow yourself to be free to just see where it takes you and what you become. The healing is the guts of DLS, after all we all want to make ourselves feel better. That is why you’re here reading about this – isn’t it? And DLS won’t let you down. If you can manage to start letting go the control of your mind, expressing your bad feelings, and revealing the truth of your negative evil state to yourself, then it will take you into areas and levels of yourself and life you had no idea existed. And it’s why we're all here on Earth. Why God has started us off in the negative – all so we can directly experience it, see what it feels like to live unloving lives, and then heal ourselves of them. Then be free to experience the opposite – a life of Love. Your Feeling-Healing begins with:
BAD FEELING ACCEPTANCE It’s okay to feel bad. Bad feelings are okay. It’s good to feel bad. Bad feelings are good. It’s good to feel bad about feeling bad. Bad feelings are YOUR feelings. YOUR bad feelings have a right – a right to exist. A right for you to feel them. Your bad feelings are a part of you. ACCEPT THEM! Bad feelings are good, and their your feelings! They are you. It’s okay to feel bad; there is nothing wrong with feeling bad. You might not like feeling bad, but it’s okay to feel bad. You are allowed to feel bad. Bad feelings shouldn’t be dismissed. Bad feelings already feel unwanted; why make them feel more rejected – you are your bad feelings. If you reject them you’re rejecting yourself. Why are you rejecting yourself? Why are you rejecting your bad feelings? Is this how you want to live – rejecting a natural part of yourself? Is this really how you want to live - rejecting your bad feelings? Feeling bad is normal. We all feel bad. We all feel bad a lot of the time, even if we won’t admit it; often we're not even aware of it. There are many bad feelings; all sorts of different bad feelings, and they are a normal part of you – of everyday life. Bad feelings – your bad feelings – are to be welcomed. Bad feelings are to be wanted. Bad feelings are to be accepted. Bad feelings are to be loved. As you love your bad feelings, so too are you loving yourself. If you ignore or deny or dismiss or reject your bad feelings what are you really doing? Denying, dismissing, rejecting yourself. Is this how you want to be? You are your bad feelings – Your bad feelings are you. Bad feelings have just as much right to life as good feelings. Be true to your bad feelings – accept them! Feeling bad is GOOD! What is your disease trying to tell you?
Do you want to listen to what the feelings of your disease are telling you, or do you want to deny and reject them? Do you want to continue rejecting such bad feelings as your parents rejected you when you were a child? As horrible as it is to feel sick, disease is good, not bad, as it’s trying to alert us to the truth of our diseased state, that being: our state of love denial. I believe we can heal all disease by brining up all the repressed feelings within us causing it. Speaking about them as we feel them; longing for the truth of what they are to show us about ourselves. We are taught: we must not give in, never give up, always fight on, never be weak, never run away, always be strong, never back down. We are taught we MUST always stay in control. And yet we only live this way because we don’t feel in control, we don’t feel naturally powerful, with all bad feelings having to be kept hidden at all cost. And that cost we suffer as pain. And we are taught to: suffer it in silence, to never burden others with it, to cope all by ourselves, all alone, keeping it all in. And this is all anti what life really is; all anti expressing all one’s feelings. It's anti self and anti love. It's no life at all!
Visit the Divine Love Spirituality and Childhood Repression forum for greater understanding about what's involved in doing ones healing. FORUM
Also ask for help or advice concerning doing your soul-healing and living a true spiritual life - living true to your feelings ending your self and feeling denial. |
Feeling-Healing
I have included this here from my Childhood Repression web-site - see LINKS. That site does not outwardly include or involve God and Their Divine Love. However, it is during our soul-healing that we do our feeling-healing, so it's all very relevant here. How to heal your childhood repression: a brief introduction. As our childhood repression is maintained through our feeling-denial, to heal it, we need to embrace those feelings we are refusing to admit we feel. We mostly focus on our bad feelings, as they are what we are denying because they make us feel bad. To begin with you will need to want to know the truth of why you feel bad and why you are denying your bad feelings, and you carry this desire as a deep heartfelt longing. We long for the truth of our self. We long to live true - true to our feelings. We long to know the truth of why we are feeling bad. And we want the truth more than anything else – WE REALLY DO WANT TO KNOW. So we long as often as we remember to, especially during our healing – when we are feeling bad feelings and speaking about them. Next we honour our bad feelings. We grab them; we acknowledge we are feeling bad; we admit we are feeling bad; we accept we are feeling bad. All very important to do instead of denying them. Don’t push your anger away, instead acknowledge you are feeling it. Accept that you are feeling it – JUST FEEL IT. You don’t have to do anything about it. And you don’t have to try to work out with your mind why you are angry. JUST FEEL ANGRY, IF YOU FEEL ANGRY. NOTHING ELSE! Then we speak about our bad feeling. We express it. We let it have it’s say. We speak whatever it is we feel about it. And we speak about it – express it, to someone who wants to hear about how we're feeling. If you have a friend or your partner or a “helping witness”, someone who sincerely wants to know how you are feeling, then tell them, address them, speak to them wanting their sympathy. You want them to listen to you. You want them to know and understand you. Your parents didn’t want to listen or know you. Tell your friend all about your bad feeling, and tell them EVERY time you feel bad. Describe your bad feeling. Even your physical pain… ‘my head hurts over my left eye, a sharp stabbing pain… my head hurts, my head hurts… it feels like a knife is stabbing through it here and here…’ Tell your friend. By telling your friend you are seeking their sympathy, as you once sort the sympathy of your parents. And as your friend accepts you, so too are you now, finally, able to accept yourself, ending your self-rejection. You can now do for yourself what your parents should have done for you. Finally you can acknowledge to yourself that you DO feel this way, and that it's PERFECTLY okay to feel so. It's perfectly okay to be how you feel to be. At long last you can be yourself - your true self, just as you truly feel! Express it – moan, groan, let your bad feeling speak… ‘Miserable, I feel miserable…’ Say what you feel. Be what you feel. Get into the feeling and be it. Emote it as you feel all the feelings and emotions. Don’t stand back impersonally speaking about it as if it’s your left leg, be your bad feeling and speak with the intensity and ‘feeling’ of your bad feeling. And speak about how feeling this bad feeling makes you feel. ‘Feeling so miserable makes me feel... unwanted, alone, powerless…’ And how does feeling these bad feelings make you feel? ‘When I feel powerless, I feel so weak… so useless, pathetic, it makes me want to...’ And express these feelings and emotions: feel pathetic, feel useless; express your patheticness when you tell your friend, and keep going speaking about how bad you feel for as long as you can. Ask yourself and express - speak about if relevant: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER THIS... WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE THIS ... MAKING ME FEEL BAD. WHY EVERY TIME I WANT TO DO SOMETHING... WHY EVERY TIME I EXPECT IT TO WORK IT DOESN'T? WHY DO I HAVE TO GET SICK. AND WHY THIS SICKNESS? Ask yourself because you want to know the truth. And when you can, remember to long hard for the truth – really want to know why you are feeling this way. Tell your listening friend about how MUCH you do want to know the truth of why you're feeling bad. Then keep speaking and expressing how you feel. You keep going until you can’t say anymore… and then you go further… always further, if you can. And the further you go the deeper your bad feelings will take you back in yourself, back into your early childhood, where it all starts from. Long to know the truth of what happened to you during your early childhood to cause you to now feel bad. Keep expressing and speaking about your bad feelings. It might take minuets, it might take hours, it might take days, or weeks. And the same bad feelings will come up countless times over and over, and each time you have to accept them, express them, and long for the truth of them. Speak and express them; long for the truth of them, and you will find, you will show the truth to yourself. Amazingly the truth will come. Suddenly you will see a new aspect of your problem. You may suddenly understand another part of your feeling and self-denial, and another part of your negative unloving relationship with your parents. Slowly all the pieces of the puzzle will come together. Don’t go hunting or digging using your mind, looking back into your early childhood for answers. Allow, and wait, for the truth to come of its own accord. The truth will come as a result of persistent bad feeling expressing, and a strong genuine longing for it. It comes when you are ready to see it, and in its own time - you cannot control it. The truth is the end product of your feeling self-expression. Your truth is your statement of true self-love, gained through true self-acceptance. And once the truth has come you will more than likely stop feeling bad anymore. A respite to take stock. Or you’ll move onto some other part of your repression needing your attention, with yet more bad feelings to accept and express. And realistically, and I know this sounds obvious, you can only do what you can do. If no truth comes don't worry, it might come later through the day, it might come the next day or the next... just keep expressing your bad feelings and longing to uncover and see it. The most important part is to just keep accepting your bad feelings and speaking up about them: getting them out – expressing and emoting them. Bringing them - yourself - out into the world. They are the puss, the poison, repressed, trapped within you, and you must want them to come out. Once they are out then you can see the damage they have done. And why what was done to you to create them occurred. And if you don’t have a friend or partner willing to listen unconditionally to your bad feeling expression, then speak to yourself out loud if you can. Speak to your cat or dog, the wall, write them, and long for someone to come and help you; long for a friend to come, someone who will really want to know you. And if you are the listener, the friend, don’t step in and take over from the person trying to express their bad feelings. DON’T TRY AND FIND A SOLUTION. This only will make the person continue to deny their bad feelings, and that’s what you don’t want. Shut up and listen, or listen actively asking questions that help your friend keep focused on, and speaking about, their bad feelings. Some people will find this easy to do being naturally interested in the person, and wanting them to speak more about how they feel and think about everything; other people who have been made to reject people and not want to hear their bad feelings, will want to stop them from speaking - want to stop them feeling bad so they no longer have bad feelings to speak about. And keep going. There is nothing you can do about all you find and see about yourself as you do your childhood repression healing, other than accept it and keep speaking about how it makes you feel. Only the speaking and expressing and seeing the truth is what you can do, you can’t actually heal yourself. This happens automatically and as a consequence of your seeing the truth. No truth – no healing. When you see the truth, then you've stopped denying that part of yourself. It has been healed. You might not feel this straight away, but as time passes you’ll become aware that you have changed, that things that used to make you feel bad, don’t anymore. And as you feel better about yourself, you’ll be able to open up and access even deeper hidden parts, causing you to feel worse about lots of other things, or the same things, yet more intense and deeper feelings about them. Deeper and deeper you’ll go over years. You will be guided by your soul. And you will see, there will be a purpose and a strategy that will gradually make itself known to you, but only if you stay committed to wanting the truth and wanting to live true. I can’t stress how important it is to desire with all your heart and from the depths of your soul, to long for the truth of your childhood repression. Your desire to find the truth of yourself if what fuels and drives your healing, without it you’ll be wasting your time. With no desire to find the truth, you can endlessly speak and express all your feelings, all you want, but without healing any of your childhood repression. It's my belief you can completely heal everything that's wrong within you by expressing ALL your feelings and longing to know the truth of them – why you are feeling them. It is my belief (I don't know for sure, as I am not there yet) that you can heal all of your childhood repression. |
Healing experience - It began with a dream…
It began with a dream, which I wanted to speak to Marion about so I could express all I felt and find the truth it was trying to tell me.
We sat on the couch and I said to her: I had a dream I want to speak about, are you ready for it?
And she replied: It would be better if you asked me saying: Can I tell you about a dream I had?
Then she explained to me how I made her feel by my all but demanding that she sit and listen to my dream. How I had just assumed that she is always there for me, always ready and willing to do what I want – I want to speak about my dream NOW, so she has to stop everything she is doing and listen – she has to instantly give her life over to me.
She also explained how I hadn’t taken her into consideration, as it might not be convenient for her to listen right at that moment. How I just assume that I am the most important person in the world, and the whole world should immediately stop what its doing and pay full attention to me when I want to speak. I am the Great One and so when I open my mouth then all should subordinate themselves allowing me to have full power. I didn’t consider her; I didn’t want to be considerate of her feelings; really I treated her as if she wasn’t an individual at all, but a faceless minion of mine, always ready at my disposal, like she’s some kind of listening-to-my-dream-servant. And she also helped me to see that my not asking her if she can listen to me; if she can give herself to me; if she can give up her life and be available to me, is not speaking with humility asking her for her help, love and care. That I am not reaching out to her wanting to connect with her, another separate individual, and asking her into my life to be with me. That I am not wanting to have a true relationship with her – one on equal terms, without either of us being the boss, or having the power over each other; but with us both having equal power and full respect – treating her like a real friend; and a friend I want to have in my life and share my dream with because I value her input and what she says, all without taking her for granted.
It was a lot of ground to cover before we even got to my dream. However the amazing thing was, that when I did tell her my dream – telling it to her as my friend, the dream symbolically portrayed all we had discussed. It showed exactly how right she was, and led me to understand why it was that I had treated her that way and not as my true friend.
I understood that I treated her exactly how my mother and grandmother treated me. I’d already, over my healing years, uncovered a heap of stuff about his treatment, but this helped to in a way summarize it, and put it into a succinct picture that I could understand and relate to, showing me the truth of it - and more of the truth of myself.
My mother treated me as if I was just there for her, for her convenience. I – me, the individual person, was of no account. And so long as I listened and paid her full attention, she said she loved me. She trained me into being her 'listening' servant; she was the all-powerful one, and when she spoke, I listened. I never engaged in the conversation actually telling her feelings about how and what she said made me feel; I couldn’t do what Marion had just done to me – pull me up and alert me to her bad feelings, to something I did that made her feel bad. Mum killed my ability to do this, to express my feelings from the very start; there was no way it was ever going to be an equal relationship. How she made me feel was that she had me for herself and that was that. Like she went to the shop and bought me – a not real person, but one who will always just be there and pay attention to its owner, just like a good obedient dog. And she would talk away all day to me, telling me all about her worries and problems, and when I was older: whether that man liked her and would he call, and as he hadn’t for four days, is he still interested in her. I was thirty-three years old and not once in all those years has she ever ask me if I wanted to listen to her – had she ever considered that I might have my own separate life. Not once did she ask if she could invade my space. Not once did she consider that I might have feelings, and that possibly I might actually want to share them with my own mother. No, that wasn’t our way; it wasn’t our pattern. I was forever to be the passive listener, her, the active one – the all-powerful controller.
And that is how I feel. That is how I conduct all my relationships. Fucked isn’t it? And here I am doing exactly that now to Marion. Really there is no one there to listen, Marion, a real person, doesn't exist, but that doesn’t matter because I only want to hear my own voice. Really I am just like my mother – how can I not be; but I couldn’t be exactly as she was: I couldn’t demand and command someone else to listen to me, to take them over, because I couldn’t compete with her. But my patterns still say that is how I’m meant to be in life: I’m meant to treat people like she treated me, so I treat Marion that way. But thankfully Marion can pull me up and point out through how she feels that it’s the wrong way. And with her help, and the help from my dream this morning, I am more understanding about my fucked relationship with my mother. And I further understand why I can’t have proper communication with my friends; why I no longer have any friends; and why I don’t want any, because I don’t want to subject them to the horrible yuk and bad feelings that I was subjected to. I don’t want to do to them what I’m doing to Marion.
This whole experience went on all morning, and I saw more things about my behaviour and felt the many feelings associated with it, all of which I expressed to Marion. I felt bad for imposing myself on Marion and all other people I have had relationships with, but I also felt very sympathetic with myself feeling how badly mum and Gran had treated me.
Overall however, the worst feeling I felt was feeling so passive in my life. I’m not an active contributor in my own life. I don’t know how to relate to people properly, being able to freely express how I feel. So I limit my relationships, and I miss out on enjoying getting to know the other person. At best, all I end up doing is speaking out into the ether not really expecting anyone to listen to me, and not knowing how to relate to someone if they do happen to come along. I hate how pathetic I am in my passiveness. I hate how they have made me.
But this is all very well to understand with my mind - still I have to express all the feelings I feel about it, and how it makes me feel.
I feel very bad. I feel angry, I feel scared. I feel terribly alone. I am alone in my own walled off little space. I have no one, there is no one with me. There are people like my mother around me, but they don't want to know and listen to all I feel. I feel so miserable; so scared that I will just be left - left alone for ever and then what will happen to me? I feel so utterly terrified of being left alone, and yet I am alone. I can't face this truth, because it's even more scary: to feel so alone can only mean one thing, and that is they don't love me - they don't want me.
What is going to happen to me? I can't stand it. My head feels like it's about to crack open. I feel very irritated and itchy all over. I feel like something is crawling under my skin - my fear and my anger at feeling so afraid.
How dare they treat me this way. I am so angry now. I want to rage at them; I want to fly at them and hit them and smash them, and tell them how bad they are treating me by ignoring and not considering me. How dare they just leave me, all so very alone, what do they think I am?
But as I can't actually take my anger out on them, I feel pathetic only being able to speak about it. But at least it's better than nothing.
Now I just feel powerless. I am so ineffectual in my own life. I can't say NO to them, like Marion said no to me. I can't stand up to them. I can't tell them how bad they are making me feel. I can't do anything. I feel so bad, so useless, so inferior, and all these bad feelings make me feel like curling up into a ball and just dying. I wish I could simply vanish, go away, cease to be. Then I would stop feeling all these terrible feelings.
I can't begin to describe how bad I feel. All I can keep saying is: I feel bad. Bad, Bad, Bad. I hate feeling this way so much. I feel so bad that I can't do anything else. It's just another waste of a day. Now it's been ruined in the morning - the whole day, I will never feel good again.
I wish I wasn't how I am. I wish I could be as Marion would like me to be. I wish I could express and communicate properly. I feel retarded, so stupid, so pathetic. And so fucking trapped in my own patterns. I can't be any other way. I can't change myself, god I feel even worse now. I can't bear it. I feel so bad I don't even know what to write anymore. Bad, Bad, Bad! Yuk, yuk, yuk, just full of yuk.
I feel so miserable. I will never change, nothing good will ever happen... bad, bad, bad...
It's all to do with relationships.
A final point I want to make, which this experience illustrates, is that all our problems ARE really ONLY to do with our relationships. We are fucked up because of relationships: those that negatively influenced us in our early lives. So our focus and intent on doing our healing should be to perfect our relationships: how we relate to our self, each other, nature, and God – how we communicate, and are we expressing ourselves with love. Although I had a big dream to help me see all these things, really it’s with Marion – in our relationship – how I communicate to her, where my problems lie. And this is why it’s crucial to express your bad feelings; we need to have a friend, someone who will give us feedback as to how they feel when we communicate with them. Because, mostly we become aware that we’re being untrue when the other person speaks up pointing out how we are affecting them, and especially if we’re having an adverse, negative and unloving affect on them. Then we have something more to speak about, to bring up all the feelings on both sides, all with the intention to find what’s wrong, to sort it all out and to find the truth. All so we can heal the wrong and then live the right.
Marion and I made an agreement when we decided to have an intimate relationship together, and that was to help each other find the truth; which quickly led to finding the truth of our childhood repression. We agreed that we’d both try and express all we felt, telling the other person, and wanting to listen to each other, all with the intention of uncovering all our yuk and seeing what it was all about. And as our relationship has progressed along these lines, as a part of our feeling discussion, we’ve expressed all we’ve felt about our relationship, even agreeing to hate each other if such feelings should arise (and they have), and not try to put on any false loving pretence bullshit with each other. Our relationship is more of a working relationship at times; working on healing ourselves and perfecting our relationship, and how we communicate with each other. We both came to the understanding in our lives that there was no point going on otherwise, not until we can both live true. True to how we feel in each moment – in each feeling.
It began with a dream, which I wanted to speak to Marion about so I could express all I felt and find the truth it was trying to tell me.
We sat on the couch and I said to her: I had a dream I want to speak about, are you ready for it?
And she replied: It would be better if you asked me saying: Can I tell you about a dream I had?
Then she explained to me how I made her feel by my all but demanding that she sit and listen to my dream. How I had just assumed that she is always there for me, always ready and willing to do what I want – I want to speak about my dream NOW, so she has to stop everything she is doing and listen – she has to instantly give her life over to me.
She also explained how I hadn’t taken her into consideration, as it might not be convenient for her to listen right at that moment. How I just assume that I am the most important person in the world, and the whole world should immediately stop what its doing and pay full attention to me when I want to speak. I am the Great One and so when I open my mouth then all should subordinate themselves allowing me to have full power. I didn’t consider her; I didn’t want to be considerate of her feelings; really I treated her as if she wasn’t an individual at all, but a faceless minion of mine, always ready at my disposal, like she’s some kind of listening-to-my-dream-servant. And she also helped me to see that my not asking her if she can listen to me; if she can give herself to me; if she can give up her life and be available to me, is not speaking with humility asking her for her help, love and care. That I am not reaching out to her wanting to connect with her, another separate individual, and asking her into my life to be with me. That I am not wanting to have a true relationship with her – one on equal terms, without either of us being the boss, or having the power over each other; but with us both having equal power and full respect – treating her like a real friend; and a friend I want to have in my life and share my dream with because I value her input and what she says, all without taking her for granted.
It was a lot of ground to cover before we even got to my dream. However the amazing thing was, that when I did tell her my dream – telling it to her as my friend, the dream symbolically portrayed all we had discussed. It showed exactly how right she was, and led me to understand why it was that I had treated her that way and not as my true friend.
I understood that I treated her exactly how my mother and grandmother treated me. I’d already, over my healing years, uncovered a heap of stuff about his treatment, but this helped to in a way summarize it, and put it into a succinct picture that I could understand and relate to, showing me the truth of it - and more of the truth of myself.
My mother treated me as if I was just there for her, for her convenience. I – me, the individual person, was of no account. And so long as I listened and paid her full attention, she said she loved me. She trained me into being her 'listening' servant; she was the all-powerful one, and when she spoke, I listened. I never engaged in the conversation actually telling her feelings about how and what she said made me feel; I couldn’t do what Marion had just done to me – pull me up and alert me to her bad feelings, to something I did that made her feel bad. Mum killed my ability to do this, to express my feelings from the very start; there was no way it was ever going to be an equal relationship. How she made me feel was that she had me for herself and that was that. Like she went to the shop and bought me – a not real person, but one who will always just be there and pay attention to its owner, just like a good obedient dog. And she would talk away all day to me, telling me all about her worries and problems, and when I was older: whether that man liked her and would he call, and as he hadn’t for four days, is he still interested in her. I was thirty-three years old and not once in all those years has she ever ask me if I wanted to listen to her – had she ever considered that I might have my own separate life. Not once did she ask if she could invade my space. Not once did she consider that I might have feelings, and that possibly I might actually want to share them with my own mother. No, that wasn’t our way; it wasn’t our pattern. I was forever to be the passive listener, her, the active one – the all-powerful controller.
And that is how I feel. That is how I conduct all my relationships. Fucked isn’t it? And here I am doing exactly that now to Marion. Really there is no one there to listen, Marion, a real person, doesn't exist, but that doesn’t matter because I only want to hear my own voice. Really I am just like my mother – how can I not be; but I couldn’t be exactly as she was: I couldn’t demand and command someone else to listen to me, to take them over, because I couldn’t compete with her. But my patterns still say that is how I’m meant to be in life: I’m meant to treat people like she treated me, so I treat Marion that way. But thankfully Marion can pull me up and point out through how she feels that it’s the wrong way. And with her help, and the help from my dream this morning, I am more understanding about my fucked relationship with my mother. And I further understand why I can’t have proper communication with my friends; why I no longer have any friends; and why I don’t want any, because I don’t want to subject them to the horrible yuk and bad feelings that I was subjected to. I don’t want to do to them what I’m doing to Marion.
This whole experience went on all morning, and I saw more things about my behaviour and felt the many feelings associated with it, all of which I expressed to Marion. I felt bad for imposing myself on Marion and all other people I have had relationships with, but I also felt very sympathetic with myself feeling how badly mum and Gran had treated me.
Overall however, the worst feeling I felt was feeling so passive in my life. I’m not an active contributor in my own life. I don’t know how to relate to people properly, being able to freely express how I feel. So I limit my relationships, and I miss out on enjoying getting to know the other person. At best, all I end up doing is speaking out into the ether not really expecting anyone to listen to me, and not knowing how to relate to someone if they do happen to come along. I hate how pathetic I am in my passiveness. I hate how they have made me.
But this is all very well to understand with my mind - still I have to express all the feelings I feel about it, and how it makes me feel.
I feel very bad. I feel angry, I feel scared. I feel terribly alone. I am alone in my own walled off little space. I have no one, there is no one with me. There are people like my mother around me, but they don't want to know and listen to all I feel. I feel so miserable; so scared that I will just be left - left alone for ever and then what will happen to me? I feel so utterly terrified of being left alone, and yet I am alone. I can't face this truth, because it's even more scary: to feel so alone can only mean one thing, and that is they don't love me - they don't want me.
What is going to happen to me? I can't stand it. My head feels like it's about to crack open. I feel very irritated and itchy all over. I feel like something is crawling under my skin - my fear and my anger at feeling so afraid.
How dare they treat me this way. I am so angry now. I want to rage at them; I want to fly at them and hit them and smash them, and tell them how bad they are treating me by ignoring and not considering me. How dare they just leave me, all so very alone, what do they think I am?
But as I can't actually take my anger out on them, I feel pathetic only being able to speak about it. But at least it's better than nothing.
Now I just feel powerless. I am so ineffectual in my own life. I can't say NO to them, like Marion said no to me. I can't stand up to them. I can't tell them how bad they are making me feel. I can't do anything. I feel so bad, so useless, so inferior, and all these bad feelings make me feel like curling up into a ball and just dying. I wish I could simply vanish, go away, cease to be. Then I would stop feeling all these terrible feelings.
I can't begin to describe how bad I feel. All I can keep saying is: I feel bad. Bad, Bad, Bad. I hate feeling this way so much. I feel so bad that I can't do anything else. It's just another waste of a day. Now it's been ruined in the morning - the whole day, I will never feel good again.
I wish I wasn't how I am. I wish I could be as Marion would like me to be. I wish I could express and communicate properly. I feel retarded, so stupid, so pathetic. And so fucking trapped in my own patterns. I can't be any other way. I can't change myself, god I feel even worse now. I can't bear it. I feel so bad I don't even know what to write anymore. Bad, Bad, Bad! Yuk, yuk, yuk, just full of yuk.
I feel so miserable. I will never change, nothing good will ever happen... bad, bad, bad...
It's all to do with relationships.
A final point I want to make, which this experience illustrates, is that all our problems ARE really ONLY to do with our relationships. We are fucked up because of relationships: those that negatively influenced us in our early lives. So our focus and intent on doing our healing should be to perfect our relationships: how we relate to our self, each other, nature, and God – how we communicate, and are we expressing ourselves with love. Although I had a big dream to help me see all these things, really it’s with Marion – in our relationship – how I communicate to her, where my problems lie. And this is why it’s crucial to express your bad feelings; we need to have a friend, someone who will give us feedback as to how they feel when we communicate with them. Because, mostly we become aware that we’re being untrue when the other person speaks up pointing out how we are affecting them, and especially if we’re having an adverse, negative and unloving affect on them. Then we have something more to speak about, to bring up all the feelings on both sides, all with the intention to find what’s wrong, to sort it all out and to find the truth. All so we can heal the wrong and then live the right.
Marion and I made an agreement when we decided to have an intimate relationship together, and that was to help each other find the truth; which quickly led to finding the truth of our childhood repression. We agreed that we’d both try and express all we felt, telling the other person, and wanting to listen to each other, all with the intention of uncovering all our yuk and seeing what it was all about. And as our relationship has progressed along these lines, as a part of our feeling discussion, we’ve expressed all we’ve felt about our relationship, even agreeing to hate each other if such feelings should arise (and they have), and not try to put on any false loving pretence bullshit with each other. Our relationship is more of a working relationship at times; working on healing ourselves and perfecting our relationship, and how we communicate with each other. We both came to the understanding in our lives that there was no point going on otherwise, not until we can both live true. True to how we feel in each moment – in each feeling.
Ask God for Help
God, I want to do my childhood repression healing. I want to heal everything that is repressed within me – everything that is wrong with me. I want it all to come up, and I need Your help. I want to be healed – I want to be perfect. God, I can’t do it by myself. It’s too much, and too hard. I am fighting against myself trying to keep all my negative patterns in place, most of which I don’t even know exist – what they are and how they control me. So I need Your help to reveal them to me, and to help me find them out for myself. Will You please help me to uncover the truth of them, and the truth of everything that’s not right within me? Will You please help me to see the Truth of all I am repressing and why I’m doing it? And will you please help me see what my parents did to me to make me become the repressed person that I am? And can you please help me to see how I’ve taken it all on from them and am now doing it all to myself? God, I want to have good and true relationships - with Marion and with everyone. I don't want to be the untrue full-of-shit person I am. I want to be able to connect properly, to reach out how other people seem to be able to do, to fully express myself truly, all I think and feel. And God, I want to be a good loving friend, will you please help me? God, I want you to help me uncover the whole truth of myself. I desperately need Your help. You know what I’ve repressed and where I’m wrong, so can You help me to bring out all my bad feelings so I can see what You see. God, please help me to see the truth of myself that You want me to see; that You know I need to see to heal myself. And God, as my parents didn’t love me as I needed to be loved, will You? Please God, I need to be loved, and I need to feel loved by You. I need Your love to give me the strength to face the pain of my repression and to have faith that I will be able to heal it – to keep going and see it through to the end. Thank You God for listening to me, Your suffering child – James. |
Self-hate
No one wants to know about it, and who wants to read about it, however it’s very important to understand and eventually accept about yourself, something you come to do through your healing. To live in a state of self-rejection, untruth, denying so much of yourself, means you can only hate how you are - so you hate yourself. You can’t love feeling so bad, you can try, but it doesn’t work. And all we do is try, as shown by our lives and our puerile attempts at trying to make ourselves feel better, telling ourselves we feel good, that we are happy and we love one another. And as we strip away all such delusion we are left with the truth, and in the negative state that can only be one thing: that we hate ourselves. And we hate ourselves because we felt hated as young children. Each time we weren’t loved as we needed to be loved, in each and every moment, we felt hated, and so grew up hating ourselves. Because as you discover through you feeling, how you were, how you felt about yourself because of how your parents treated you, is how you believe you are as an adult. And even though we might add layer upon layer of erroneous beliefs telling ourselves we love ourselves, it’s all false, for we can’t truly love ourselves when we live in a state of anti love. But to come to terms with the truth that you hate yourself, and then to express all your feelings of self-hated is appalling hard, yet it’s what each of us has to do. And as we do, we come to see that incredibly our self-hated is nothing more than a fabricated state of being - along with all the rest of our negative state - something we’ve been forced to take on and make up for ourselves, yet something that we’re not saddled with for eternity. And as you remove all that’s keeping your self-hated in place, it sure is a relief to feel yourself letting it go, coming back to your true self feeling self-love. |
Finding the truth of love
By accepting we’re living in an evil, negative mind and will condition, and in that state there is no way we can feel and express true and perfect love, the quandry is, but what are all those good loving feelings we feel - what are they and how do they fit in to our so-called, no-love state. And I’ve wrestled with this for years. And slowly I’ve been able to accept and see - I think - how it is.
From what Mary and Jesus say, being of and in evil, all we feel is coming from our mind that’s focused on denying our true selves, and that it’s through our corrupted minds that we generate the feelings we have. With our minds in control of us and not our true feelings as they should be, our feelings are in a way contrived by our minds all in keeping with our beliefs formed from our early childhood experiences. So we are not feeling feelings based on truth, but untruth; we’re not truly feeling that which is true within us, as there isn’t any or very little of such truth. So our love is really ‘false love’ as it’s not fully founded on and so coming from truth.
Anyway, that’s all very well, the theory of it, but the reality is we feel the full range of feelings from good to bad, love and happiness, to hate, fear and misery, and our feelings sure do feel real - too real, when you’re in the depths of your despair. So whether they are true or not true, as in coming from truth or no-truth, who really cares, it’s what we feel that’s important. And it’s what we feel that we must keep focusing on so we can gradually uncover the truth of such feelings - the reasons why we are feeling them. And so this is then the important part, not so much the feelings themselves.
So it becomes more about: why am I feeling loved, why do I love this thing or person, and expressing all such feelings to uncover the reasons why. Why do I feel hate, angry, miserable, why, why, why, and to keep saying how you feel whilst longing for the truth of why. And the feelings come and go, and as we grow in truth and change, so we think and feel differently about things. And what we might have once loved and felt so good about, we might find we no longer do, even changing to hating it. And also the other way around, as it’s happened to both Marion and I, things we’ve previously hated, we now feel good about.
It seems that for the majority of people, having grown up feeling reasonably loved and cared about within their untrue feeling denial lives, they carry on in the same way in life, having the usual ups and downs, but mostly being happy with life. And all they consider they love, they love, and why not if they’re happy with their life and the relationships in it. But for those of us who aren’t happy and can’t make a happy life they love, there are then obviously deeper issues at stake that need to be addressed. And I would imagine that most people looking for answers don’t feel that great about themselves and their lives. And it’s why you don’t, irrespective of any love you feel or don’t feel, that is what’s important. So once again - the truth. So it’s always the truth: what is the truth, and then having uncovered it - how does it now make you feel.
We all naturally want to feel loved, but it’s doing all the things we believe are making us feel loved that we need to look into to see if they really are, or if we’re only doing and so using them to cover up and hide from ourselves our bad unloved feelings. And most of our relationships are for this purpose, to help us gain power and feel better about ourselves and life because we feel powerless. A loving relationship will make us happy, however is it really doing so. Or is it because we’re running away from so many bad feelings that are hidden inside us, and by feeling so loved and being so loving, we don’t have to face them?
So often Marion and I read how people fall madly in love, and how wonderful their dream partner is, and yet by the end of the paragraph we know what’s going to happen, the signs becoming more obvious to us as we progress in our healing. It’s only a matter of time and the relationship falls apart and they have to set about finding another one, with all that ‘perfect love’ having disappeared. But why? Why can you feel so loving and loved for a certain amount of time, and them poof, it’s all gone. True and real love never goes, it’s permanent only ever getting stronger, So once again - what is all this love?
And, it’s because we’re not coming together truly relating to each other. We can only relate in our distorted ways based on how it was in our early life with each other. When you meet someone feeling that ‘something special’ feeling, if you seek the truth of it, you’ll be able to trace back into your early life all the reasons why it is that you feel it’s so special. And the same if the relationship fails. Absolutely every part of how you are and what you do, is as it is because of how you were treated during your forming years and right through your childhood. It’s astounding when you get into the real guts of it - why you’re attracted to that nice looking dark-haired woman is because... and the truth will come. Why you feel that spark with that person, is because... and it’s because of the people that were in your early life. And it will continue to be so until you’ve healed it all, and set yourself free of it.
By accepting we’re living in an evil, negative mind and will condition, and in that state there is no way we can feel and express true and perfect love, the quandry is, but what are all those good loving feelings we feel - what are they and how do they fit in to our so-called, no-love state. And I’ve wrestled with this for years. And slowly I’ve been able to accept and see - I think - how it is.
From what Mary and Jesus say, being of and in evil, all we feel is coming from our mind that’s focused on denying our true selves, and that it’s through our corrupted minds that we generate the feelings we have. With our minds in control of us and not our true feelings as they should be, our feelings are in a way contrived by our minds all in keeping with our beliefs formed from our early childhood experiences. So we are not feeling feelings based on truth, but untruth; we’re not truly feeling that which is true within us, as there isn’t any or very little of such truth. So our love is really ‘false love’ as it’s not fully founded on and so coming from truth.
Anyway, that’s all very well, the theory of it, but the reality is we feel the full range of feelings from good to bad, love and happiness, to hate, fear and misery, and our feelings sure do feel real - too real, when you’re in the depths of your despair. So whether they are true or not true, as in coming from truth or no-truth, who really cares, it’s what we feel that’s important. And it’s what we feel that we must keep focusing on so we can gradually uncover the truth of such feelings - the reasons why we are feeling them. And so this is then the important part, not so much the feelings themselves.
So it becomes more about: why am I feeling loved, why do I love this thing or person, and expressing all such feelings to uncover the reasons why. Why do I feel hate, angry, miserable, why, why, why, and to keep saying how you feel whilst longing for the truth of why. And the feelings come and go, and as we grow in truth and change, so we think and feel differently about things. And what we might have once loved and felt so good about, we might find we no longer do, even changing to hating it. And also the other way around, as it’s happened to both Marion and I, things we’ve previously hated, we now feel good about.
It seems that for the majority of people, having grown up feeling reasonably loved and cared about within their untrue feeling denial lives, they carry on in the same way in life, having the usual ups and downs, but mostly being happy with life. And all they consider they love, they love, and why not if they’re happy with their life and the relationships in it. But for those of us who aren’t happy and can’t make a happy life they love, there are then obviously deeper issues at stake that need to be addressed. And I would imagine that most people looking for answers don’t feel that great about themselves and their lives. And it’s why you don’t, irrespective of any love you feel or don’t feel, that is what’s important. So once again - the truth. So it’s always the truth: what is the truth, and then having uncovered it - how does it now make you feel.
We all naturally want to feel loved, but it’s doing all the things we believe are making us feel loved that we need to look into to see if they really are, or if we’re only doing and so using them to cover up and hide from ourselves our bad unloved feelings. And most of our relationships are for this purpose, to help us gain power and feel better about ourselves and life because we feel powerless. A loving relationship will make us happy, however is it really doing so. Or is it because we’re running away from so many bad feelings that are hidden inside us, and by feeling so loved and being so loving, we don’t have to face them?
So often Marion and I read how people fall madly in love, and how wonderful their dream partner is, and yet by the end of the paragraph we know what’s going to happen, the signs becoming more obvious to us as we progress in our healing. It’s only a matter of time and the relationship falls apart and they have to set about finding another one, with all that ‘perfect love’ having disappeared. But why? Why can you feel so loving and loved for a certain amount of time, and them poof, it’s all gone. True and real love never goes, it’s permanent only ever getting stronger, So once again - what is all this love?
And, it’s because we’re not coming together truly relating to each other. We can only relate in our distorted ways based on how it was in our early life with each other. When you meet someone feeling that ‘something special’ feeling, if you seek the truth of it, you’ll be able to trace back into your early life all the reasons why it is that you feel it’s so special. And the same if the relationship fails. Absolutely every part of how you are and what you do, is as it is because of how you were treated during your forming years and right through your childhood. It’s astounding when you get into the real guts of it - why you’re attracted to that nice looking dark-haired woman is because... and the truth will come. Why you feel that spark with that person, is because... and it’s because of the people that were in your early life. And it will continue to be so until you’ve healed it all, and set yourself free of it.
When you begin your healing, all you need do is:
KEEP GOING!
KEEP GOING!