Read about people's experiences of doing their healing.
Of looking to their feelings for the truth of themselves and the truth of their soul.
DLS forum
Of looking to their feelings for the truth of themselves and the truth of their soul.
DLS forum
More practical healing points.
Having struggled through the past sixteen years doing my healing, as I am very disconnected from my feelings and I wonder if I will ever be able to truly connect with them, I am possibly the last person qualified to write this. It has only been with and because of Marion’s constant probing, prodding, and even often, demanding I pay attention to myself and focus on talking about all I’m feeling, that I’ve got anywhere at all. Left to my own devices, I’d not do it, as I have no idea what needs to be done, let alone how to go about it. I can talk about the theory of it, all I’ve come to understand from my experiences, but really I have to conclude, that you dear reader, are on your own. I doubt I'll be of any real help to you. And yet, perhaps that is not such a bad thing, and is even how it should be, as we’ve all got to find the truth of ourselves, for ourselves, it all coming within, which gives rise to immense satisfaction and good feelings of accomplishment when you do. However, having said I don’t have much of idea about how to go about it, I will try and outline some of the more important points to it, these being ones that have become important to me.
Marion is a very feeling expressive person. She feels every emotion very intensely. Reading out loud good or bad feeling words makes her cry. I compared to her, are all but feeling-dead. If you are feeling-aware, as in you can easily identify what you are feeling at any time, good luck to you; if you are like me who most of the time doesn’t know what he’s feeling - you’re in for a hell of a struggle.
My early life was about killing all my feelings and emotions, keeping them all under wraps and not doing anything that would further upset and antagonise my mother. She was volatile, irrationally explosive, always prone to strong emotional outbursts, and very scary to live with. However I succeeded in blocking her out as I grew older, all at the expense of my own emotions and feelings. I was determined not to be like her (nor was I allowed to be), so I opted for being Mr. Stable, never feeling bad, never showing it, always being ‘okay’. But of course I wasn’t okay inside. Marion was allowed to feel her emotions only never allowed to express them. She was like a volcano full of pent-up anger and rage, but unable to vent any of it. It all tried to implode and destroy her numerous times, and it wasn’t until she received some good therapy that she was able to take the lid off and set about working on expressing all the yuk bad feelings she’s always felt.
I say repeatedly that we need to do our Soul- or Feeling-Healing to heal our evilness, but what I’m really saying is we’re not perfect in our personality self-expression, and if we want to feel good, happy and truly loved and loving, we need to become perfect. Our evilness can be seen as expressed by our inability to fully and truly express ourselves, that being all the attributes of our personality, all so we can have good, true and loving relationships - with our self, nature, other people and God. And as I have come to understand, there are right and wrong ways to express oneself. And all the wrong ways are held in place by our wrong beliefs, all developed during our early life, which then govern our behaviour. So to look to rectify your personality expression denial, you look to your behaviour, wanting to understand why you are as you are. And we can do this using our feelings.
So let’s say you’ve decided to fully commit yourself to your healing. Then you start by wanting to accept and then express every bad feeling you feel with the intention of uncovering the truth of them. So you self-monitor yourself, if I can put it like that, always keeping an inner eye on your feelings. Or, if you are suddenly feeling bad, you strive to fully embrace that bad feeling, keep it with you and not doing anything to try and make it go away; and speak about it all - all how you feel, all how feeling that way then makes you feel. And you keep speaking about it all with the intention and understanding that you are ‘speaking it out of you’, and all so you can see why you’re feeling that way. You might feel angry and know very clearly why you are angry, however that’s okay and you can speak about that too, but it’s very important to keep going with it, to try and go deeper into that anger, to try and express every part of it. So you say to yourself, or your friend says to you, okay, so you think you know why you’re angry, that’s good, but now see if you can do deeper into it, into why you are REALLY angry. And you should feel you don’t know why, saying, I don’t know, I’m angry because that man chopped that beautiful tree down. Yes, but why are you really angry, come on, see if you can go deeper. And so you try, and this is where your feeling expression really begins. And it doesn’t have to all be done at once, you can pause, stop - start, you just do as you feel. And if you’re ‘normal’, as in it’s relatively easy to express and speak about such emotions and feelings, the energy will push them out of you, often even uncontrollably. If you find it very difficult to express and emote your anger, staying closed-mouthed yet seething away inside, then you may need help to get you going. And this is where your friend comes in, they can push and prod you, goad you into speaking about feeling bad, which of itself might stir you up until you finally break raging at them. It’s all horrible argumentative stuff, but it’s in these fights that you’re digging deep into all the hidden nasty stuff, and it all has to come out. Your block will be because you weren’t allowed to express your anger when you were young, so you might find saying something like ‘I am angry, but I can’t speak about it’ helpful to break the ice. It’s all for us to find the best way for ourselves to express our feelings, helping each other through our feelings. And as you go, you’ll see, it will all happen naturally, you’ll be taken this way and that, you’ll feel very, very, very bad, doing ever deeper and into your yuk, but you have to keep going until it’s all out of you.
We do need someone to express ourselves to. In your more intimate relationship/s if you can agree you’re going to deal with your feelings this way, then you can work together helping each other. If you don’t have such a friend, you can long and pray for one, and in the meantime speak out loud to yourself, write, talk to God, or seek professional help. It is however very important that you open your mouth and let the energy of your emotions and feelings be expressed, you can get a little way doing it in your mind, but it’s nothing like how you’ll be led into yourself when you're emoting your emotions and feelings. You’ll be constantly surprised about what comes out of your mouth. And it’s all helping you get to know yourself.
Now it’s all very well expressing feelings and emotions, it is after all what most people do all day, it is after all what makes life interesting as we communicate with each other. However, as my mother was an expert at doing, ranting and raving all over the place, if you are not expressing yourself with the intention of uncovering the truth of such feelings, is not going to get you anywhere, as you’re nothing more than a boiling kettle letting off steam. And this in itself is fine if that’s all you want to do to relieve the inner emotional pressure and frustration, however it will never lead you to uncovering the truth of yourself - finding out why you are feeling so bad.
So this is where longing for the truth comes in. When you feel bad (or good) and are expressing all you feel, at some point, or whilst you’re doing it, long for the truth of such feelings. Deeply and very sincerely ask yourself or God to help you see the truth of why you’re feeling what you are. Often during a pause in my anger outburst, or when I can’t go any further with the feeling of misery I’m expressing, I long. And I long also when I’m not caught up in my feelings during more stable times. I want to uncover the WHOLE truth of myself, so the truth of EVERY feeling, that is my main focus and purpose in life - my personal commitment to myself. And in longing, I understand that all my feelings now as an adult are connected to early childhood feelings within me. However understanding that then brings up a temptation to use your mind to scan back into your early life trying to see how you feel now connects with back then, and although I do a little of this, it’s best to keep your mind out of it. Marion doesn’t do anything other than stay true to her feelings. She is ‘in’ them - she is them, they are her (of course), she is wholly them as she’s expressing them. She is nothing else but her feelings. During a lull she might long for truth of them, always looking out for them, and ever ready to express even the slightest bad feeling; and to keep going, even if takes hours or days, until that bad feeling has gone. She doesn’t try to connect her feelings with her early life, as she knows that how she is feeling now IS how she felt back then - is how she’s always feeling, and the things happening currently in her life are only helping to bring up such feelings. So for her there is sort of no time differential between her early childhood feelings and her present adult ones, they are all the same. And then out of this comes the truth for her to understand. So she’ll talk on and on about how she’s feeling now, knowing it was how it was for her when she was young, and every now and then she focuses specifically on herself being young and how it’s all connecting up now. We have both over the years talked endlessly about every part of our lives that we can remember, going over and over them when feelings connect us back with the past. You certainly do get to know each other and yourself, which is what it’s all about.
In your healing relationship, like in a normal relationship in which you both want to get to know each other, if anything you don’t understand about the other persons actions or what they are saying makes you feel bad, you bring it up expressing those feelings. You try not to accuse them of being bad - if you can help it - and stay on your side simply saying how the way they are is making you feel bad. Marion is an expert at this, I get straight in accusing her of being bad. Then we fight, as she has to explain how I am verbally bashing her up and not staying true to my feelings, which when I can see it, I have to admit and accept that she’s right and I’m in fact the bad one. So you say something like, I hate how you do that, it makes me feel scared. I feel really scared, like you’re going to..., it’s all about you, how you are feeling. Instead of something like, I hate how you do that, you shouldn’t do it, it’s scary, so don’t do it, it makes me so angry that you’re doing it. All trying to control and tell the other person how they should be, instead of attending to your own fear, why you feel scared, and also, then dealing with why you feel angry. I feel angry that you do this thing that scares me, I feel really angry because... If one of you in the partnership is inclined to stay on the more ‘making everything nice’ superficial level, yet you both do want to uncover the whole truth of yourselves, then it is for the friend to keep chipping away and pointing out to the other how impersonal and disconnected they are from their feelings. And for the other to keep admitting how scared they are of opening up, expressing all their fears and worries about what they think might happen to them if they do. Marion often asks me: why did you say that, why did you do that, and when I reply I don’t know... then, what are scared about, can you see if you’re scared or angry, all of which has helped me so much in staying focused on myself. It is at times like living with a relentless therapist, however as so many feelings come up all the time when you are together, there is an endless amount of times to stop and focus on all you’re feeling.
Being a friend for each other is wanting to fully know the other person. So when they are expressing their feelings, and if they are in a very bad state, it’s important to allow the other person to keep going on for as long as like, even to keep encouraging them to keep going. Most of us are so heavily conditioned to not go on, to shut up because everyone’s had enough, so now in your healing it is time to go on, and on, and on and on. As children we were all forced to stop expressing ALL we felt, so now we can, and it ALL has to come out, and there is a hell of lot within you that needs to be expressed. Your personality has not been allowed to be fully expressed, you are not the full, real and true you, so your feeling expression will bring all of this out as you grow in truth, awareness and understanding of why you weren’t allowed to be your true self and how you’ve created your false self.
You will find that once you get used to the process (that indeed there is one), and that as you move along in truth, which means the more you talk about yourself and express all you feel whilst wanting to see the truth of it all, the more a picture of yourself, how it is for you now and how it was for you then, starts to develop in you. And this picture will not be so good, composed of how unloved you feel, all of which will bring up yet more bad feelings. But the overall aim is for you to come to fully understand and relate to, and BE your negative self, your whole evilness. It’s not about getting rid of it and getting on with a better life, it’s about using your feelings to help you see how you are - all the good and bad you. And it’s not about becoming the true evil person you are going out and hurting others and causing untold damage as you ‘follow your feelings’, it’s about simply allowing yourself to be all the yuk that you are - to allow yourself to feel it. And to be able to talk about it all. It’s all about getting to know the whole truth of your evilness. Talking about it is vital, expressing ALL your thoughts and feelings is the key - your healing takes place in your talking. And as this happens, gradually the bad you will of its own accord subside and be changed as you break down your controlling beliefs, you’ll notice your behaviour changing and you’ll know it’s for the better - that you are becoming a better person. But first you’ve got to fully admit to being all the horrible, yuk person you feel you are. You will be shown all the bad (and good) ways you treat others, as determined by God and not your own fanciful ideas and opinions about yourself; and how you treat others will be how you treat yourself, and that it’s all resulted from how you were treated. I’m constantly surprised, feeling very stupid and humiliated, and all helping me see how much I actually do hate myself when I believed I loved myself, just how many of my actions which I thought were caring, are in fact unloving, making the other person feel rejected by me, and not welcomed and wanted.
Ideally when someone is feeling bad, everything should stop as they are given full sympathetic attention being wholly supported in their expression of their bad feeling. However in real life, well, you might not want to be disturbed at the moment when your partner or child suddenly feels bad and wants you to stop doing what you’re doing and listen to them. That might make you feel angry, so you as well need to stop and express your anger, it all conspiring to make you stop anyway. And you can work it out between you who goes first. One can with a little practice, and if ones feelings are not as pressing, put them on hold if need be, resurrecting them later. Or you can both yell and scream at each other and do whatever your feelings make you do. But all so long as you don’t stop each other - or yourself if you can help it, from speaking about all you need to. And YOU MAKE THE TIME TO DO SO. If you have too many commitments to other things other than your feeling-expression... well, more bad feelings to express. And if you give over to your bad feeling expression, your life will change and time will come. It’s all a matter of priorities.
Marion never interferes with my bad feeling expression. As far as she’s concerned that is all life should be about. So she will listen to me, making me express more: ‘Why do you feel that, why to you think that, why did you say that, come on, surely you must feel something, you can’t say you don’t know, of course you know, it’s in you or else you wouldn’t have said it or done it; what are you afraid of might happen - what’s your worst fear, and so on, until she’s satisfied I’ve got it all out. And if I interfere with her feeling expressing, she gets very angry, as she should, as we all should, as any young child does, because they are her feelings, and good or bad, I have no right saying she can’t have them or can’t speak about them. It’s been a continual struggle and source of bad feelings for me to have to stop doing what I want to do and listen to her, or to speak about how bad I’m feeling. Shit, I just want to get on with it undisturbed for five minutes without all this stop-starting having to keep on speaking about all the yuk that keeps bothering me! I wish it would all piss-off and leave me alone, go away - all how my parents treated me. They wished I'd piss-off and stop bothering them so they could get on with their very important lives. When we are young we are nothing but FEELINGS, the child and its feelings are one, its mind not as yet formed. So if you reject its feelings you’re rejecting it, and that hurts, that’s why the young child is so quick to react - its feelings being itself are vital to its survival, it feeling threatened with annihilation the second it’s stopped from expressing itself.
Everything bad that happens to you, from the biggest to the smallest, is only happening to help you feel and express such feelings so as to see how on a feeling level such things happened to you when you were forming. You might get sick, a problem at work, a slight bad feeling after speaking with someone, you cut yourself, you fail to respect your partner making them feel bad - which then makes you feel bad, you lose money, your pet dies, bad feelings in a dream, everything, no matter what it is, is all happening to you to help generate feelings so you can express them and find the truth of what’s causing them. Everything in your life now is doing that, however if you’re refusing to use your feelings to uncover the truth of yourself, then you put such things down to: that’s just how life is, and you’ll never know why anything happens. But we can find out why everything happens - EVERYTHING, and furthermore, we’re meant to - we have to! To not live this way is denying yourself, your soul, so it’s living against the truth of yourself, against the truth that God is, so you’re evil. Evil is trying to destroy personality, your own self and feeling denial is doing just that, trying to destroy yourself, your personality from being expressed.
The real nitty-gritty of your healing comes about in your closest relationships, and in all those little things that annoy you about the other person. From what I can gather, most people are happy if they get along reasonably well, you accept each others little, or even big, annoying ways, you laugh them off, happy that overall you love each other. But to fully do your healing NOT ONE of those little aggravating things must get by, if you feel bad - bring up those bad feelings! ‘I’ve got a bad thing to talk about... it’s about something you do... and I can’t bear it’. Your relationship coming under such scrutiny will be thoroughly tested, and it might fail, for how many people want to have all they do constantly picked apart and examined by another person, let alone by themselves. But it’s about getting to know yourself - every little detail. And as you work your way through one level of stuff, you can be rest assured the next level, and the next, and endless levels will keep coming up. Just when you think your smelly farts have stopped annoying your partner and you don’t have to keep trying to stop yourself from doing them, she’ll start complaining again, expressing how angry she is about you doing them. But that doesn’t mean you should stop doing them to keep the peace, to stop her from being upset, it means you keep farting away and as loudly as you can to help her get angry so she can bring up her stuff about it. And she has to keep expressing her feelings to uncover the truth of why smelly farts annoy her so much, and she’ll find it, and when she does she might even change to no longer minding your doing them; or, you might find your diet has in the meantime changed, or you no longer eat as much in response to your feeling expressing and growth of truth, no longer doing them. It is amazing how the problems that at the time seem insurmountable, once you've expressed all the bad feelings they are helping you feel, just seems to go away - as if it just disappears, not having been there in the first place.
And these things can take years before they naturally resolve themselves. And all the time you are growing in self-acceptance and so in acceptance of the other person. How we are to ourselves is how we are to the other person, we can’t be any other way, even though we might have put a lot of false and learnt nicer behaviour over the top, but that will all get stripped away revealing what a shit you really are - more bad feelings!
Doing your healing with another person is simply having an open-feeling-expressing-to-find-the-truth-relationship, different to what is usually considered a normal relationship. And so in this relationship you should intend to bear your soul, tell your whole story, including all your secrets and fantasies. To have to admit and then speak about in great detail all your sexual perversions, your lusts and fantasies you might have about other people than your partner, takes a lot of courage and acceptance on both sides. But if you can see that it’s part of your ‘illness’, your negative and evil state, and you can’t help it, it’s how your parents and early life has made you be; and to heal yourself it all has to come out, then you will be able to take the plunge together possibly weathering all sorts of storms in your relationship. Getting to know each other completely is what you must want.
The mechanics of simply being together with the intention of expressing your feelings and wanting to find the truth of them will of itself provide you with the interaction and stimulation you need to live this way - you’ll not be able to stop it. And even though at times you might wish you could go back to the ‘old’ way, ignorant of why you feel what you do, still, you'll feel the benefits far out way the ongoing drag and strain of feeling so bad so much. And if your healing is anything like Marion’s and mine, most of your day will be about feeling bad and expressing such feelings. Going on and on, over and over, the same old feelings, endlessly speaking about how bad you feel; moaning and groaning with all your pain - physical, emotional and spiritual. It’s fucking hard work, but for Marion she says it’s her life, she has nothing else, and as she wants all her bad feelings to come out her, so it’s simply what she does. For me, it’s always, isn’t it going to finish soon, I’ve had enough of this shit, when is my real life going to start! In my early life it was always, that’s enough of that, here, have this now, or, stop that now and think about doing this good thing in the future. For Marion, there was never any change, always the same daily grind feeling bad as her parents continually mistreated her. As you will see, EVERYTHING of you and for you is all how it was for you back when you were young - nothing has changed.
And finally, when you express your feelings, try to express them with all the feeling of them. Don’t just talk about them... I’m feeling angry about..., fully emote them as you feel them - ‘I FEEL FUCKING PISSED-OFF WITH...’ Open up and let them out - BE EXPRESSIVE! And if you can’t be, having been too heavily conditioned not to be, try. And good luck - and have fun!
Having struggled through the past sixteen years doing my healing, as I am very disconnected from my feelings and I wonder if I will ever be able to truly connect with them, I am possibly the last person qualified to write this. It has only been with and because of Marion’s constant probing, prodding, and even often, demanding I pay attention to myself and focus on talking about all I’m feeling, that I’ve got anywhere at all. Left to my own devices, I’d not do it, as I have no idea what needs to be done, let alone how to go about it. I can talk about the theory of it, all I’ve come to understand from my experiences, but really I have to conclude, that you dear reader, are on your own. I doubt I'll be of any real help to you. And yet, perhaps that is not such a bad thing, and is even how it should be, as we’ve all got to find the truth of ourselves, for ourselves, it all coming within, which gives rise to immense satisfaction and good feelings of accomplishment when you do. However, having said I don’t have much of idea about how to go about it, I will try and outline some of the more important points to it, these being ones that have become important to me.
Marion is a very feeling expressive person. She feels every emotion very intensely. Reading out loud good or bad feeling words makes her cry. I compared to her, are all but feeling-dead. If you are feeling-aware, as in you can easily identify what you are feeling at any time, good luck to you; if you are like me who most of the time doesn’t know what he’s feeling - you’re in for a hell of a struggle.
My early life was about killing all my feelings and emotions, keeping them all under wraps and not doing anything that would further upset and antagonise my mother. She was volatile, irrationally explosive, always prone to strong emotional outbursts, and very scary to live with. However I succeeded in blocking her out as I grew older, all at the expense of my own emotions and feelings. I was determined not to be like her (nor was I allowed to be), so I opted for being Mr. Stable, never feeling bad, never showing it, always being ‘okay’. But of course I wasn’t okay inside. Marion was allowed to feel her emotions only never allowed to express them. She was like a volcano full of pent-up anger and rage, but unable to vent any of it. It all tried to implode and destroy her numerous times, and it wasn’t until she received some good therapy that she was able to take the lid off and set about working on expressing all the yuk bad feelings she’s always felt.
I say repeatedly that we need to do our Soul- or Feeling-Healing to heal our evilness, but what I’m really saying is we’re not perfect in our personality self-expression, and if we want to feel good, happy and truly loved and loving, we need to become perfect. Our evilness can be seen as expressed by our inability to fully and truly express ourselves, that being all the attributes of our personality, all so we can have good, true and loving relationships - with our self, nature, other people and God. And as I have come to understand, there are right and wrong ways to express oneself. And all the wrong ways are held in place by our wrong beliefs, all developed during our early life, which then govern our behaviour. So to look to rectify your personality expression denial, you look to your behaviour, wanting to understand why you are as you are. And we can do this using our feelings.
So let’s say you’ve decided to fully commit yourself to your healing. Then you start by wanting to accept and then express every bad feeling you feel with the intention of uncovering the truth of them. So you self-monitor yourself, if I can put it like that, always keeping an inner eye on your feelings. Or, if you are suddenly feeling bad, you strive to fully embrace that bad feeling, keep it with you and not doing anything to try and make it go away; and speak about it all - all how you feel, all how feeling that way then makes you feel. And you keep speaking about it all with the intention and understanding that you are ‘speaking it out of you’, and all so you can see why you’re feeling that way. You might feel angry and know very clearly why you are angry, however that’s okay and you can speak about that too, but it’s very important to keep going with it, to try and go deeper into that anger, to try and express every part of it. So you say to yourself, or your friend says to you, okay, so you think you know why you’re angry, that’s good, but now see if you can do deeper into it, into why you are REALLY angry. And you should feel you don’t know why, saying, I don’t know, I’m angry because that man chopped that beautiful tree down. Yes, but why are you really angry, come on, see if you can go deeper. And so you try, and this is where your feeling expression really begins. And it doesn’t have to all be done at once, you can pause, stop - start, you just do as you feel. And if you’re ‘normal’, as in it’s relatively easy to express and speak about such emotions and feelings, the energy will push them out of you, often even uncontrollably. If you find it very difficult to express and emote your anger, staying closed-mouthed yet seething away inside, then you may need help to get you going. And this is where your friend comes in, they can push and prod you, goad you into speaking about feeling bad, which of itself might stir you up until you finally break raging at them. It’s all horrible argumentative stuff, but it’s in these fights that you’re digging deep into all the hidden nasty stuff, and it all has to come out. Your block will be because you weren’t allowed to express your anger when you were young, so you might find saying something like ‘I am angry, but I can’t speak about it’ helpful to break the ice. It’s all for us to find the best way for ourselves to express our feelings, helping each other through our feelings. And as you go, you’ll see, it will all happen naturally, you’ll be taken this way and that, you’ll feel very, very, very bad, doing ever deeper and into your yuk, but you have to keep going until it’s all out of you.
We do need someone to express ourselves to. In your more intimate relationship/s if you can agree you’re going to deal with your feelings this way, then you can work together helping each other. If you don’t have such a friend, you can long and pray for one, and in the meantime speak out loud to yourself, write, talk to God, or seek professional help. It is however very important that you open your mouth and let the energy of your emotions and feelings be expressed, you can get a little way doing it in your mind, but it’s nothing like how you’ll be led into yourself when you're emoting your emotions and feelings. You’ll be constantly surprised about what comes out of your mouth. And it’s all helping you get to know yourself.
Now it’s all very well expressing feelings and emotions, it is after all what most people do all day, it is after all what makes life interesting as we communicate with each other. However, as my mother was an expert at doing, ranting and raving all over the place, if you are not expressing yourself with the intention of uncovering the truth of such feelings, is not going to get you anywhere, as you’re nothing more than a boiling kettle letting off steam. And this in itself is fine if that’s all you want to do to relieve the inner emotional pressure and frustration, however it will never lead you to uncovering the truth of yourself - finding out why you are feeling so bad.
So this is where longing for the truth comes in. When you feel bad (or good) and are expressing all you feel, at some point, or whilst you’re doing it, long for the truth of such feelings. Deeply and very sincerely ask yourself or God to help you see the truth of why you’re feeling what you are. Often during a pause in my anger outburst, or when I can’t go any further with the feeling of misery I’m expressing, I long. And I long also when I’m not caught up in my feelings during more stable times. I want to uncover the WHOLE truth of myself, so the truth of EVERY feeling, that is my main focus and purpose in life - my personal commitment to myself. And in longing, I understand that all my feelings now as an adult are connected to early childhood feelings within me. However understanding that then brings up a temptation to use your mind to scan back into your early life trying to see how you feel now connects with back then, and although I do a little of this, it’s best to keep your mind out of it. Marion doesn’t do anything other than stay true to her feelings. She is ‘in’ them - she is them, they are her (of course), she is wholly them as she’s expressing them. She is nothing else but her feelings. During a lull she might long for truth of them, always looking out for them, and ever ready to express even the slightest bad feeling; and to keep going, even if takes hours or days, until that bad feeling has gone. She doesn’t try to connect her feelings with her early life, as she knows that how she is feeling now IS how she felt back then - is how she’s always feeling, and the things happening currently in her life are only helping to bring up such feelings. So for her there is sort of no time differential between her early childhood feelings and her present adult ones, they are all the same. And then out of this comes the truth for her to understand. So she’ll talk on and on about how she’s feeling now, knowing it was how it was for her when she was young, and every now and then she focuses specifically on herself being young and how it’s all connecting up now. We have both over the years talked endlessly about every part of our lives that we can remember, going over and over them when feelings connect us back with the past. You certainly do get to know each other and yourself, which is what it’s all about.
In your healing relationship, like in a normal relationship in which you both want to get to know each other, if anything you don’t understand about the other persons actions or what they are saying makes you feel bad, you bring it up expressing those feelings. You try not to accuse them of being bad - if you can help it - and stay on your side simply saying how the way they are is making you feel bad. Marion is an expert at this, I get straight in accusing her of being bad. Then we fight, as she has to explain how I am verbally bashing her up and not staying true to my feelings, which when I can see it, I have to admit and accept that she’s right and I’m in fact the bad one. So you say something like, I hate how you do that, it makes me feel scared. I feel really scared, like you’re going to..., it’s all about you, how you are feeling. Instead of something like, I hate how you do that, you shouldn’t do it, it’s scary, so don’t do it, it makes me so angry that you’re doing it. All trying to control and tell the other person how they should be, instead of attending to your own fear, why you feel scared, and also, then dealing with why you feel angry. I feel angry that you do this thing that scares me, I feel really angry because... If one of you in the partnership is inclined to stay on the more ‘making everything nice’ superficial level, yet you both do want to uncover the whole truth of yourselves, then it is for the friend to keep chipping away and pointing out to the other how impersonal and disconnected they are from their feelings. And for the other to keep admitting how scared they are of opening up, expressing all their fears and worries about what they think might happen to them if they do. Marion often asks me: why did you say that, why did you do that, and when I reply I don’t know... then, what are scared about, can you see if you’re scared or angry, all of which has helped me so much in staying focused on myself. It is at times like living with a relentless therapist, however as so many feelings come up all the time when you are together, there is an endless amount of times to stop and focus on all you’re feeling.
Being a friend for each other is wanting to fully know the other person. So when they are expressing their feelings, and if they are in a very bad state, it’s important to allow the other person to keep going on for as long as like, even to keep encouraging them to keep going. Most of us are so heavily conditioned to not go on, to shut up because everyone’s had enough, so now in your healing it is time to go on, and on, and on and on. As children we were all forced to stop expressing ALL we felt, so now we can, and it ALL has to come out, and there is a hell of lot within you that needs to be expressed. Your personality has not been allowed to be fully expressed, you are not the full, real and true you, so your feeling expression will bring all of this out as you grow in truth, awareness and understanding of why you weren’t allowed to be your true self and how you’ve created your false self.
You will find that once you get used to the process (that indeed there is one), and that as you move along in truth, which means the more you talk about yourself and express all you feel whilst wanting to see the truth of it all, the more a picture of yourself, how it is for you now and how it was for you then, starts to develop in you. And this picture will not be so good, composed of how unloved you feel, all of which will bring up yet more bad feelings. But the overall aim is for you to come to fully understand and relate to, and BE your negative self, your whole evilness. It’s not about getting rid of it and getting on with a better life, it’s about using your feelings to help you see how you are - all the good and bad you. And it’s not about becoming the true evil person you are going out and hurting others and causing untold damage as you ‘follow your feelings’, it’s about simply allowing yourself to be all the yuk that you are - to allow yourself to feel it. And to be able to talk about it all. It’s all about getting to know the whole truth of your evilness. Talking about it is vital, expressing ALL your thoughts and feelings is the key - your healing takes place in your talking. And as this happens, gradually the bad you will of its own accord subside and be changed as you break down your controlling beliefs, you’ll notice your behaviour changing and you’ll know it’s for the better - that you are becoming a better person. But first you’ve got to fully admit to being all the horrible, yuk person you feel you are. You will be shown all the bad (and good) ways you treat others, as determined by God and not your own fanciful ideas and opinions about yourself; and how you treat others will be how you treat yourself, and that it’s all resulted from how you were treated. I’m constantly surprised, feeling very stupid and humiliated, and all helping me see how much I actually do hate myself when I believed I loved myself, just how many of my actions which I thought were caring, are in fact unloving, making the other person feel rejected by me, and not welcomed and wanted.
Ideally when someone is feeling bad, everything should stop as they are given full sympathetic attention being wholly supported in their expression of their bad feeling. However in real life, well, you might not want to be disturbed at the moment when your partner or child suddenly feels bad and wants you to stop doing what you’re doing and listen to them. That might make you feel angry, so you as well need to stop and express your anger, it all conspiring to make you stop anyway. And you can work it out between you who goes first. One can with a little practice, and if ones feelings are not as pressing, put them on hold if need be, resurrecting them later. Or you can both yell and scream at each other and do whatever your feelings make you do. But all so long as you don’t stop each other - or yourself if you can help it, from speaking about all you need to. And YOU MAKE THE TIME TO DO SO. If you have too many commitments to other things other than your feeling-expression... well, more bad feelings to express. And if you give over to your bad feeling expression, your life will change and time will come. It’s all a matter of priorities.
Marion never interferes with my bad feeling expression. As far as she’s concerned that is all life should be about. So she will listen to me, making me express more: ‘Why do you feel that, why to you think that, why did you say that, come on, surely you must feel something, you can’t say you don’t know, of course you know, it’s in you or else you wouldn’t have said it or done it; what are you afraid of might happen - what’s your worst fear, and so on, until she’s satisfied I’ve got it all out. And if I interfere with her feeling expressing, she gets very angry, as she should, as we all should, as any young child does, because they are her feelings, and good or bad, I have no right saying she can’t have them or can’t speak about them. It’s been a continual struggle and source of bad feelings for me to have to stop doing what I want to do and listen to her, or to speak about how bad I’m feeling. Shit, I just want to get on with it undisturbed for five minutes without all this stop-starting having to keep on speaking about all the yuk that keeps bothering me! I wish it would all piss-off and leave me alone, go away - all how my parents treated me. They wished I'd piss-off and stop bothering them so they could get on with their very important lives. When we are young we are nothing but FEELINGS, the child and its feelings are one, its mind not as yet formed. So if you reject its feelings you’re rejecting it, and that hurts, that’s why the young child is so quick to react - its feelings being itself are vital to its survival, it feeling threatened with annihilation the second it’s stopped from expressing itself.
Everything bad that happens to you, from the biggest to the smallest, is only happening to help you feel and express such feelings so as to see how on a feeling level such things happened to you when you were forming. You might get sick, a problem at work, a slight bad feeling after speaking with someone, you cut yourself, you fail to respect your partner making them feel bad - which then makes you feel bad, you lose money, your pet dies, bad feelings in a dream, everything, no matter what it is, is all happening to you to help generate feelings so you can express them and find the truth of what’s causing them. Everything in your life now is doing that, however if you’re refusing to use your feelings to uncover the truth of yourself, then you put such things down to: that’s just how life is, and you’ll never know why anything happens. But we can find out why everything happens - EVERYTHING, and furthermore, we’re meant to - we have to! To not live this way is denying yourself, your soul, so it’s living against the truth of yourself, against the truth that God is, so you’re evil. Evil is trying to destroy personality, your own self and feeling denial is doing just that, trying to destroy yourself, your personality from being expressed.
The real nitty-gritty of your healing comes about in your closest relationships, and in all those little things that annoy you about the other person. From what I can gather, most people are happy if they get along reasonably well, you accept each others little, or even big, annoying ways, you laugh them off, happy that overall you love each other. But to fully do your healing NOT ONE of those little aggravating things must get by, if you feel bad - bring up those bad feelings! ‘I’ve got a bad thing to talk about... it’s about something you do... and I can’t bear it’. Your relationship coming under such scrutiny will be thoroughly tested, and it might fail, for how many people want to have all they do constantly picked apart and examined by another person, let alone by themselves. But it’s about getting to know yourself - every little detail. And as you work your way through one level of stuff, you can be rest assured the next level, and the next, and endless levels will keep coming up. Just when you think your smelly farts have stopped annoying your partner and you don’t have to keep trying to stop yourself from doing them, she’ll start complaining again, expressing how angry she is about you doing them. But that doesn’t mean you should stop doing them to keep the peace, to stop her from being upset, it means you keep farting away and as loudly as you can to help her get angry so she can bring up her stuff about it. And she has to keep expressing her feelings to uncover the truth of why smelly farts annoy her so much, and she’ll find it, and when she does she might even change to no longer minding your doing them; or, you might find your diet has in the meantime changed, or you no longer eat as much in response to your feeling expressing and growth of truth, no longer doing them. It is amazing how the problems that at the time seem insurmountable, once you've expressed all the bad feelings they are helping you feel, just seems to go away - as if it just disappears, not having been there in the first place.
And these things can take years before they naturally resolve themselves. And all the time you are growing in self-acceptance and so in acceptance of the other person. How we are to ourselves is how we are to the other person, we can’t be any other way, even though we might have put a lot of false and learnt nicer behaviour over the top, but that will all get stripped away revealing what a shit you really are - more bad feelings!
Doing your healing with another person is simply having an open-feeling-expressing-to-find-the-truth-relationship, different to what is usually considered a normal relationship. And so in this relationship you should intend to bear your soul, tell your whole story, including all your secrets and fantasies. To have to admit and then speak about in great detail all your sexual perversions, your lusts and fantasies you might have about other people than your partner, takes a lot of courage and acceptance on both sides. But if you can see that it’s part of your ‘illness’, your negative and evil state, and you can’t help it, it’s how your parents and early life has made you be; and to heal yourself it all has to come out, then you will be able to take the plunge together possibly weathering all sorts of storms in your relationship. Getting to know each other completely is what you must want.
The mechanics of simply being together with the intention of expressing your feelings and wanting to find the truth of them will of itself provide you with the interaction and stimulation you need to live this way - you’ll not be able to stop it. And even though at times you might wish you could go back to the ‘old’ way, ignorant of why you feel what you do, still, you'll feel the benefits far out way the ongoing drag and strain of feeling so bad so much. And if your healing is anything like Marion’s and mine, most of your day will be about feeling bad and expressing such feelings. Going on and on, over and over, the same old feelings, endlessly speaking about how bad you feel; moaning and groaning with all your pain - physical, emotional and spiritual. It’s fucking hard work, but for Marion she says it’s her life, she has nothing else, and as she wants all her bad feelings to come out her, so it’s simply what she does. For me, it’s always, isn’t it going to finish soon, I’ve had enough of this shit, when is my real life going to start! In my early life it was always, that’s enough of that, here, have this now, or, stop that now and think about doing this good thing in the future. For Marion, there was never any change, always the same daily grind feeling bad as her parents continually mistreated her. As you will see, EVERYTHING of you and for you is all how it was for you back when you were young - nothing has changed.
And finally, when you express your feelings, try to express them with all the feeling of them. Don’t just talk about them... I’m feeling angry about..., fully emote them as you feel them - ‘I FEEL FUCKING PISSED-OFF WITH...’ Open up and let them out - BE EXPRESSIVE! And if you can’t be, having been too heavily conditioned not to be, try. And good luck - and have fun!
This is very important to understand concerning the doing of your Feeling-Healing or Soul-Healing.
Ones healing begins with the understanding that all how humanity is, is wrong - everything. So all how you are is wrong - everything. It doesn’t matter if some of how you are may be right, that will come out in the wash so to speak, but it does matter to begin by focusing on the worst; so you are not only all wrong, but you are evil too. So alarm bells should start ringing, you should feel resistance to this, for no one wants to be evil unless they are wanting to for reasons of false power.
So if you can accept, or just entertain the notion that we’re all living untrue to ourselves, untrue to our soul, untrue to nature and untrue to God, then this is where you begin: by wanting to become true. True to yourself, nature and God. And so, you need to do your healing.
So then we look to our feelings to help us see this truth - how untrue we are and all that entails, and why we are untrue: what’s happened to us to make us be this way. And we are to accept and express and long for the truth of all our feelings. And in uncovering the truth, so we will change, we don’t have to actively do anything with our minds to make ourselves change into better people. We ONLY have to accept and understand and express all our feelings to do with how we feel about being in our untrue states; so uncover the truth of being evil; or, the truth of being untrue. And as we do, we’ll slowly become more true just naturally.
Now the difference between what doing your Feeling-Healing or Soul-Healing is compared to every other type of healing - be it with a therapist looking deep into your traumas, or through spiritual or religious means, or simply using your mind to forgive and forget and ‘get over it’ - is that all such ways of doing your healing are merely so you can heal yourself of your current problems, then once done, be able to happily move along in life feeling a lot better, even feeling fantastic, having overcome your disease or bad emotional state. So these approaches are offering help to overcome such obstacles, to change yourself, all so you can continue on being more successful and feeling much better about yourself in life as you know it, HOWEVER, IT’S IN A LIFE THAT IS STILL ALL WRONG. And this is what’s important to understand. So although you might feel wonderful having healed some part of yourself, or even your whole self as some people claim to have done, you are still only feeling more wonderful in your untrue, and so negative and evil state of mind and will. You simply feel more confident and powerful in your untruth, moving along happily still advancing it. So you’ve not healed ALL of yourself. You’ve not healed ALL of your Childhood Repression, you’ve not uncovered every feeling you’ve denied yourself since your conception. You will at best, only have scratched the surface of your true and full healing.
So what doing your Feeling-Healing and Soul-Healing is all about, is to HEAL YOURSELF OF YOUR WHOLE NEGATIVE STATE, to become positive and true. So it’s a complete breaking down of how you are, and rebuilding into a new you, a you that is true and full of love and is truly loving. So it’s a whole change of the inner person, and it will take time to be achieved and endless amounts of very hard work on yourself, because as you will find, you will have seemingly endless amounts of buried repressed bad feelings within you, all coming from what happened to you during your forming years.
So as your healing evolves, you will have breakthroughs when you feel great, and possibly feel you’ve healed your traumas, but it’s not about then getting on living happily in what’s left of your untrue state, it’s about still longing hard to live true, and dedicating your life to achieving the goal of being perfect, and true to your soul. And if this is your intention, then rest assured, your soul will keep the pressure on you, even relentlessly until there are simply no more repressed feelings to come out of you. And by the time that happens you will have spiritually grown in truth to understand your whole negative and untrue, evil condition, and your whole way of life and all you stand for will have vastly changed.
So doing your Feeling-Healing and Soul-Healing is not to look into yourself so as you fix what problems are there, enabling you to get back on the horse that you seem to have fallen off. It’s going off in a whole other and new direction entirely, living a very different life to the one you have known, removing yourself from the world in as much as not being untrue and evil like everyone else is, but still being able to be in the world, only in your true and perfect state of mind and will once you’ve finished your healing.
Ones healing begins with the understanding that all how humanity is, is wrong - everything. So all how you are is wrong - everything. It doesn’t matter if some of how you are may be right, that will come out in the wash so to speak, but it does matter to begin by focusing on the worst; so you are not only all wrong, but you are evil too. So alarm bells should start ringing, you should feel resistance to this, for no one wants to be evil unless they are wanting to for reasons of false power.
So if you can accept, or just entertain the notion that we’re all living untrue to ourselves, untrue to our soul, untrue to nature and untrue to God, then this is where you begin: by wanting to become true. True to yourself, nature and God. And so, you need to do your healing.
So then we look to our feelings to help us see this truth - how untrue we are and all that entails, and why we are untrue: what’s happened to us to make us be this way. And we are to accept and express and long for the truth of all our feelings. And in uncovering the truth, so we will change, we don’t have to actively do anything with our minds to make ourselves change into better people. We ONLY have to accept and understand and express all our feelings to do with how we feel about being in our untrue states; so uncover the truth of being evil; or, the truth of being untrue. And as we do, we’ll slowly become more true just naturally.
Now the difference between what doing your Feeling-Healing or Soul-Healing is compared to every other type of healing - be it with a therapist looking deep into your traumas, or through spiritual or religious means, or simply using your mind to forgive and forget and ‘get over it’ - is that all such ways of doing your healing are merely so you can heal yourself of your current problems, then once done, be able to happily move along in life feeling a lot better, even feeling fantastic, having overcome your disease or bad emotional state. So these approaches are offering help to overcome such obstacles, to change yourself, all so you can continue on being more successful and feeling much better about yourself in life as you know it, HOWEVER, IT’S IN A LIFE THAT IS STILL ALL WRONG. And this is what’s important to understand. So although you might feel wonderful having healed some part of yourself, or even your whole self as some people claim to have done, you are still only feeling more wonderful in your untrue, and so negative and evil state of mind and will. You simply feel more confident and powerful in your untruth, moving along happily still advancing it. So you’ve not healed ALL of yourself. You’ve not healed ALL of your Childhood Repression, you’ve not uncovered every feeling you’ve denied yourself since your conception. You will at best, only have scratched the surface of your true and full healing.
So what doing your Feeling-Healing and Soul-Healing is all about, is to HEAL YOURSELF OF YOUR WHOLE NEGATIVE STATE, to become positive and true. So it’s a complete breaking down of how you are, and rebuilding into a new you, a you that is true and full of love and is truly loving. So it’s a whole change of the inner person, and it will take time to be achieved and endless amounts of very hard work on yourself, because as you will find, you will have seemingly endless amounts of buried repressed bad feelings within you, all coming from what happened to you during your forming years.
So as your healing evolves, you will have breakthroughs when you feel great, and possibly feel you’ve healed your traumas, but it’s not about then getting on living happily in what’s left of your untrue state, it’s about still longing hard to live true, and dedicating your life to achieving the goal of being perfect, and true to your soul. And if this is your intention, then rest assured, your soul will keep the pressure on you, even relentlessly until there are simply no more repressed feelings to come out of you. And by the time that happens you will have spiritually grown in truth to understand your whole negative and untrue, evil condition, and your whole way of life and all you stand for will have vastly changed.
So doing your Feeling-Healing and Soul-Healing is not to look into yourself so as you fix what problems are there, enabling you to get back on the horse that you seem to have fallen off. It’s going off in a whole other and new direction entirely, living a very different life to the one you have known, removing yourself from the world in as much as not being untrue and evil like everyone else is, but still being able to be in the world, only in your true and perfect state of mind and will once you’ve finished your healing.