Divine Love Spirituality
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Healing experience
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Healing experience
It began with a dream…
It began with a dream, which I wanted to speak to Marion about so I could express all I felt and find the truth it was trying to tell me.
We sat on the couch and I said to her: I had a dream I want to speak about, are you ready for it?
And she replied: It would be better if you asked me saying: Can I tell you about a dream I had?
Then she explained to me how I made her feel by my all but demanding that she sit and listen to my dream. How I had just assumed that she is always there for me, always ready and willing to do what I want – I want to speak about my dream NOW, so she has to stop everything she is doing and listen – she has to instantly give her life over to me.
She also explained how I hadn’t taken her into consideration, as it might not be convenient for her to listen right at that moment. How I just assume that I am the most important person in the world, and the whole world should immediately stop what its doing and pay full attention to me when I want to speak. I am the Great One and so when I open my mouth then all should subordinate themselves allowing me to have full power. I didn’t consider her; I didn’t want to be considerate of her feelings; really I treated her as if she wasn’t an individual at all, but a faceless minion of mine, always ready at my disposal, like she’s some kind of listening-to-my-dream-servant. And she also helped me to see that my not asking her if she can listen to me; if she can give herself to me; if she can give up her life and be available to me, is not speaking with humility asking her for her help, love and care. That I am not reaching out to her wanting to connect with her, another separate individual, and asking her into my life to be with me. That I am not wanting to have a true relationship with her – one on equal terms, without either of us being the boss, or having the power over each other; but with us both having equal power and full respect – treating her like a real friend; and a friend I want to have in my life and share my dream with because I value her input and what she says, all without taking her for granted.
It was a lot of ground to cover before we even got to my dream. However the amazing thing was, that when I did tell her my dream – telling it to her as my friend, the dream symbolically portrayed all we had discussed. It showed exactly how right she was, and led me to understand why it was that I had treated her that way and not as my true friend.
I understood that I treated her exactly how my mother and grandmother treated me. I’d already, over my healing years, uncovered a heap of stuff about his treatment, but this helped to in a way summarize it, and put it into a succinct picture that I could understand and relate to.
My mother treated me as if I was just there for her, for her convenience. I – me, the individual person, was of no account. And so long as I listened and paid her full attention, she said she loved me. She trained me into being her servant; she was the all-powerful one and when she spoke I listened. I never engaged in the conversation actually telling her feelings about how and what she said made me feel; I couldn’t do what Marion had just done to me – pull me up and alert me to her bad feelings, to something I did that made her feel bad. Mum killed my ability to do this, to express my feelings from the very start; there was no way it was ever going to be an equal relationship. How she made me feel was that she had me for herself and that was that. Like she went to the shop and bought me – a not real person, but one who will always just be there and pay attention to its owner, just like a good obedient dog. And she would talk away all day to me, telling me all about her worries and problems, and when I was older: whether that man liked her and would he call, and as he hadn’t for four days, is he still interested in her. I was thirty-three years old and not once in all those years has she ever ask me if I wanted to listen to her – had she ever considered that I might have my own separate life. Not once did she ask if she could invade my space. No once did she consider that I might have feelings, and that possibly I might actually want to share them with my own mother. No, that wasn’t our way; it wasn’t our pattern. I was forever to be the passive listener, her, the active one – the all-powerful controller.
And that is how I feel. That is how I conduct all my relationships. Fucked isn’t it? And here I am doing exactly that now to Marion. Really there is no one there to listen, Marion, a real person, doesn't exist, but that doesn’t matter because I only want to hear my own voice. Really I am just like my mother – how can I not be; but I couldn’t be exactly as she was: I couldn’t demand and command someone else to listen to me, to take them over, because I couldn’t compete with her. But my patterns still say that is how I’m meant to be in life: I’m meant to treat people like she treated me, so I treat Marion that way. But thankfully Marion can pull me up and point out through how she feels that it’s the wrong way. And with her help, and the help from my dream this morning, I am more understanding about my fucked relationship with my mother. And I further understand why I can’t have proper communication with my friends; why I no longer have any friends; and why I don’t want any, because I don’t want to subject them to the horrible yuk and bad feelings that I was subjected to. I don’t want to do to them what I’m doing to Marion.
This whole experience went on all morning, as I saw more things about my behaviour and felt the many feelings associated with it. I felt bad for imposing myself on Marion and all other people I have had relationships with, but I also felt very sympathetic of myself feeling how badly mum and Gran had treated me.
Overall however, the worst feeling I felt was feeling so passive in my life. I’m not an active contributor in my own life. I don’t know how to relate to people, properly being able to freely express how I feel, so I limit my relationships, and I miss out on enjoying getting to know the other person. At best, all end up doing is speaing out into the ether not really expecting anyone to listen to me, and not knowing how to relate to someone if they do happen to come along. I hate how pathetic I am in my passiveness. I hate how they have made me.
But this is all very well to understand with my mind - still I have to express all the feelings I feel about it, and how it makes me feel.
I feel very bad. I feel angry, I feel scared. I feel terribly alone. I am alone in my own walled off little space. I have no one, there is no one with me. There are people like my mother around me, but they don't want to know and listen to all I feel. I feel so miserable; so scared that I will just be left - left alone for ever and then what will happen to me? I feel so utterly terrified of being left alone, and yet I am alone. I can't face this truth, because it's even more scary, to feel so alone can only mean one thing, and that is they don't love me - they don't want me.
What is going to happen to me? I can't stand it. My head feels like it's about to crack open. I feel very irritated and itchy all over. I feel like something is crawling under my skin - my fear and my anger at feeling so afraid.
How dare they treat me this way. I am so angry now. I want to rage at them; I want to fly at them and hit them and smash them, and tell them how bad they are treating me by ignoring and not considering me. How dare they just leave me, all so very alone, what do they think I am?
But as I can't actually take my anger out on them, I feel pathetic only being able to speak about it. But at least it's better than nothing.
Now I just feel powerless. I am so ineffectual in my own life. I can't say NO to them, like Marion said no to me. I can't stand up to them. I can't tell them how bad they are making me feel. I can't do anything. I feel so bad, so useless, so inferior, and all these bad feelings make me feel like curling up into a ball and just dying. I wish I could simply vanish, go away, cease to be. Then I would stop feeling all these terrible feelings.
I can't begin to describe how bad I feel. All I can keep saying is: I feel bad. Bad, Bad, Bad. I hate feeling this way so much. I feel so bad that I can't do anything else. It's just another waste of a day. Now it's been ruined in the morning - the whole day, I will never feel good again.
I wish I wasn't how I am. I wish I could be as Marion would like me to be. I wish I could express and communicate properly. I feel retarded, so stupid, so pathetic. And so fucking trapped in my own patterns. I can't be any other way. I can't change myself, god I feel even worse now. I can't bear it. I feel so bad I don't even know what to write anymore. Bad, Bad, Bad! Yuk, yuk, yuk, just full of yuk.
I feel so miserable. I will never change, nothing good will ever happen... bad, bad, bad...
It's all to do with relationships.
A final point I want to make, which this experience illustrates, is that all our problems ARE really ONLY to do with our relationships. We are fucked up because of relationships: those that negatively influenced us in our early lives. So our focus and intent on doing our healing should be to perfect our relationships: how we relate to our self, each other, nature, and God – how we communicate, and are we expressing ourselves with love. Although I had a big dream to help me see all these things, really it’s with Marion – in our relationship – how I communicate to her, where my problems lie. And this is why it’s crucial to express your bad feelings; we need to have a friend, someone who will give us feedback as to how they feel when we communicate with them. Because, mostly we become aware that we’re being untrue when the other person speaks up pointing out how we are affecting them, and especially if we’re having an adverse, negative and unloving affect on them. Then we have something more to speak about, to bring up all the feelings on both sides, all with the intention to find what’s wrong, to sort it all out and to find the truth. All so we can heal the wrong and then live the right.
Marion and I made an agreement when we decided to have an intimate relationship together, and that was to help each other find the truth; which quickly led to finding the truth of our childhood repression. We agreed that we’d both try and express all we felt, telling the other person, and wanting to listen to each other, all with the intention of uncovering all our yuk and seeing what it was all about. And as our relationship has progressed along these lines, as a part of our feeling discussion, we’ve expressed all we’ve felt about our relationship, even agreeing to hate each other, if such feelings should arise (and they have), and not try to put on any false loving pretence bullshit with each other. Our relationship is more of a working relationship at times; working on healing ourselves and perfecting our relationship, and how we communicate with each other. We both came to the understanding in our lives that there was no point going on otherwise, not until we can both live true. True to how we feel in each moment – in each feeling.
Ask God for Help
God, I want to do my childhood repression healing. I want to heal everything that is repressed within me – everything that is wrong with me. I want it all to come up, and I need Your help. I want to be healed – I want to be perfect.
God, I can’t do it by myself. It’s too much, and too hard. I am fighting against myself trying to keep all my negative patterns in place, most of which I don’t even know exist – what they are and how they control me. So I need Your help to reveal them to me, and to help me find them out for myself.
Will You please help me to uncover the truth of them, and the truth of everything that’s not right within me? Will You please help me to see the Truth of all I am repressing and why I’m doing it? And will you please help me see what my parents did to me to make me become the repressed person that I am? And can you please help me to see how I’ve taken it all on from them and am now doing it all to myself?
God, I want you to help me uncover the whole truth of myself. I desperately need Your help. You know what I’ve repressed and where I’m wrong, so can You help me to bring out all my bad feelings so I can see what You see.
God, please help me to see the truth of myself that You want me to see; that You know I need to see to heal myself.
And God, as my parents didn’t love me as I needed to be loved, will You? Please God, I need to be loved, and I need to feel loved by You. I need Your love to give me the strength to face the pain of my repression and to have faith that I will be able to heal it – to keep going and see it through to the end.
Thank You God for listening to me, Your suffering child – James.
